Pissed off at Jesus

Sometimes Jesus pisses me off. I’m not really angry at him, but mainly at myself because I’m not experiencing the life he talked about. He said

“My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life” John 10:10 NLT

I mean, what is this “rich and satisfying life”? Before I had affairs and broke my family would I have said that my life was “rich and satisfying”? Maybe, but something was obviously wrong or I wouldn’t have done what I did, right?

Most of Jesus’ original followers were martyred (sweet, right?) and the apostle Paul said he had experienced hunger, loneliness, persecution, ship wrecks, beatings, worry about the work, etc. and in the same breath said “in all of these troubles we’re more than conquerors”.

My point is — did they experience a rich and satisfying life? If the answer is “yes” and I think it is, then their idea of a “rich and satisfying life” is fundamentally different than mine. Paul said that he “fought the good fight and finished the race”. He said that he was going to stand on victor’s dais and receive a crown for winning the race. Such confidence! It floors me.

How am I different? I hold back. I’m not all-in, never have been. People used to tell me “I could never do what you did” (go to another country as a foreign missionary). I always thought but never said “duh, yeah you can, just move your butt.” I took my family to Hong Kong, but I was never “all in”. I didn’t know what that was, maybe still don’t.

I’m in a recovery program with other men who have struggled with their sexuality, affairs, porn etc. One of the principles of recovery is to “surrender to God as you know him”. I’ve never been that guy; Peter who when Jesus invited him, hopped out of the boat onto the water and walked to Jesus. I’m hunkered down among the other 11 who stayed in the boat. I’m in awe of Peter, but I’m not Peter.

Do I have to surrender to experience this “rich and satisfying life”? Am I willing to do that?