That’s why they call it cheating
When I cheated on my wife I also cheated her out of so many things.
When you cheat you convince yourself that it is “not that bad” — you’re just getting your needs met somewhere else, with someone else. You minimize the damage caused by the constant lies by telling yourself that telling the truth would just hurt everyone too much. Such a crock of bullshit!
When my wife found out that I had cheated AGAIN, she immediately left me, filed for divorce, and made plans to resettle in the US. I had been cheating for 2 years at that time. She could have made that decision 2 years earlier, but I robbed her of that choice. I stole at least 2 years of time from her.
I told myself that the truth would devastate her and cause her great unhappiness, but in reality she was already unhappy. She’d sit in bed all evening long playing games on her I-pad while I sat in the other room chatting with my girlfriend. My wife was deeply depressed and unhappy. After she moved to America, she bought a house, a car, a gym membership, lost a ton of weight and took charge of her life. Is she happy? I don’t know, but her happiness is now 100% her own responsibility. When I lied and cheated, I cheated her out of the chance to take responsibility for her own happiness, I stole the power of choice from her.
A lifetime ago when I first start using computers the phrase “garbage in garbage out” was popular. Bad code leads to bad programs, bad data leads to bad decisions. People need good data, deserve good data so that they can decide what to do in life. Our data is always incomplete — that’s unavoidable, but when those around us intentionally lie to us, they give us garbage data, and we make garbage decisions based on the lies we are told.
For years I fed my wife, myself, my family and friends bullshit data. I cheated them. I also cheated myself. I let everyone think I was okay, when in reality I was sick and broken. To be fair to myself, I did ask for help after the first time I cheated. The Christian organization I was with established a Care Team to overseas my “rehabilitation” and led to what to my wife calls “The 3 Countries Tour of Shame” where I was asked to confess to people in 3 different countries, accompanied by my wife. They sent us to some Christian retreat counseling, retreats, etc. but somehow not one person on the Care Team suggested individual counseling for me. WTF? Did they think my cheating was an aberration, a simple one time bad choice? Nobody considered that I might have some deep-seated shit going on inside of me? Maybe I was just a good actor, and my sincerity fooled everyone. I thought I was okay too, until a lady I chatted with online sent me a picture of a naked lady — then boom I was down the cheating rabbit hole before you could say “Hey Baby”.
“Cheating” is the right word to describe what I did. It’s not just about infidelity. It is robbing people of the information they need to get on with their lives. When my wife found out about my infidelity, when she was given the data she made the decision to file for divorce. She deserved the truth, but I cheated her when I withheld from her the information she needed.
Before I cheated her, I cheated myself. I buried my unhappiness in Christian platitudes and service. I didn’t face up to the truth of who I was, what I wanted and needed in marriage. I soldiered on, until I didn’t, then I cheated. I “slip slided away” into cheating. It wasn’t difficult, because I had already been cheating, denying the truth of my unhappiness for a long time. I didn’t slow down enough to listen to my inner unhappiness. I repressed it with “meaningful activities”, “serving God”, saving people. The data was there, if I’d been willing to go see a counselor they could have probably helped me uncover what was happening in my heart, but I buried it in busyness.
Our lives really are data driven, and telling the truth first to ourselves, then to others enables us to live fuller lives.
I took my blood pressure this morning — didn’t like the number — but the number is the number. It is what I and my doctor need to know to adjust my meds and prolong my life. The data is the data — we need to embrace it!
If we are going to embrace the data we need to stop taking responsibility for other people’s happiness. Just tell them the truth, give them the data, and let them get on with their lives. Sure it may cause them great pain, but not nearly as much pain as the lies cause. Knowing that someone cheated you out of years of your life — time you could have been doing something else, with someone else. It must be a horrible feeling.
I was wrong. I should have told my wife, not just about my cheating, but about my unhappiness with the state of our relationship. I should have slowed down enough to get in touch with my heart. I should have sought help from a counselor. When we deceive others we withhold data they need to make good decisions. We cheat them out of the chance for a better life, or at least a different life.
When I was a new Christian one of the phrases from the Bible that stuck in my head was “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). I wish I faced up to the truth, seen the data for what it is, and found the courage to speak truth in love to my wife about my unhappiness and needs. Maybe we’d have worked it out. Maybe we would have gotten divorced earlier — in either case we’d have avoided much of the horrible pain that my “cheating” has caused to the family. The people around us deserve the truth, the data — and when we withhold it from them — we cheat them, we really cheat them.
